He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
