I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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