just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize