I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
