I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
