I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
