When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she peed on how many people?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
