I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
