god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
