A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize