After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
