guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
