I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
