it hurts more in the daytime
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
