i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
