Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
