Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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