saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
