my phone needs a breathalizer
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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