I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
