The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize