I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
