Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
