if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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