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• (416): View more from Ontario

  Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.

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• (914): View more from New York

  My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

  (845): View more from New York

  She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

  (914): View more from New York

  well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  "You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever

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• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  who knew my inner goddess was such a whore

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• (252): View more from North Carolina

  Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.

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• (619): View more from California

  I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.

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