I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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