and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
