I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
