she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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