My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
