All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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