I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
