He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize