if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
