Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
