Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
