if you like me you must not know who I am
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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