he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
