I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
