Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
