Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
