i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
