Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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