I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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