I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
