i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
