I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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