you have to choose: penises or morals?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
