I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
