Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
