My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize