Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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