On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
