you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
