I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
