Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize